Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I just feel... really tired today. I'm just tired of all this shit. Jake's saying that he wants to be friends now. So he spends half the semester insulting me every chance he gets and then when he realizes I don't actually hate him, suddenly he wants a truce? Matt told me he wants to 'fix me.' So he's going to become my friend so that he can mold me into who he wants me to be... I could go on a rant about that. I DID go on a rant about that earlier today, but now I'm just too tired. Whatever. He's still not saying any of this to my face. He sent Matt to tell me. Again. That's really pathetic... I'm not going to even consider him until he grows a pair and talks to me himself. He's such a joke... He acts so tough and hard and I'm-not-afraid-of-anything but he can't even say this shit about me to my face. Pff. *shrug* Either way, whether he hates me or whether he does, it's not going to make me sleep any better or worse. So whatever.
This is my last week at work. I'm so ready to be out of there. I'm considering collapsing in the drive-thru and having a car run over me so I can stay in the hospital and skip out on the rest of the week.
I saw Rent with Annie, my mom and Brian the other day. And then again the next day with Micheal, Annie, and Brian. And I'm going again on Saturday. I was sad that a lot of the songs were left out, some of my favorites, but I thought it was pretty good for someone trying crunch down the musical into the time slot for the movie. *nod*
I'm going to go drown my sorrows in bleach. Later, kids.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
"How do you feel today?"
I feel like I ought to be doing something.
I feel like I ought to be crying.
I feel like tackling the first person I see.
I feel like I ought to be ashamed of my existence.
I feel like I'm dying.
I feel like getting into a fight and completely wasting the other person.
I feel like bleeding.
I feel like going to a bar and getting lost in the crowd.
I feel like jumping onto a table in a crowded resturant and singing La Vie Boheme at the top of my lungs.
I feel like running bare foot through a city at midnight.
I feel like I might kill the first person that tries to talk to me.
I feel like my chest is caving in on itself.
I feel like there's no purpose for my life.
I feel like there is no future.
I feel like I'm going to die young before I ever learn anything about living.
I feel like drowning.
I feel like smoking.
I feel like losing control of myself.
I feel like screaming.
I feel like messing up my face so that no one will want to look at me anymore.
I feel like having my ass kicked.
I feel like trashing the room just to destroy the order and structure of it.
I feel like spending the day with a complete stranger.
I feel like going 80 down a residential street.
I feel like punching my manager.
I feel like throwing away my moral inhibitions.
I feel like punching a brick wall until my knuckles bleed.
I feel like instilling fear in someone.
I feel like forgetting about myself, my self-consciousness, my insecurities, my fears and doing whatever the hell I feel like doing.
I feel like going up in flames (*gets reminded of 'Pippin'*)
I feel like singing an emotional song a the top of my lungs and putting all I've got into it and crying too.
I feel like breaking my glasses.
I feel like dying my hair.
I feel... worn out.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Who knew 'Gay' was a genre?
So this is what Yahoo movies listed for the genre of Rent:
Genre: Drama, Gay, Musical
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I Want To Bust A Cap
Some people make me sick. Really. I don't understand how people can be so cruel to each other and then the rest of the world just stands idly by doing nothing about it. They're just as bad as the people commiting the act, in my opinion.
And so many people get sucked into things and get controlled by other people who think that because they're bigger and stronger that they've got some right to lord over other people. And people just take it. Because, I don't know, they fear what they'll lose or what that person might do to them. And its an understandable fear. But I say you fight. Even if it means you'll fail or you'll get hurt or you might even die. Its better than just sitting there and taking it, right? At least you've got a chance, right?
Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I mean, I've barely been through anything in my life. Any problem I've had I caused by myself for whatever selfish reason. But I can't stand seeing this happen to people. And I want to help, but sometime I just can't for whatever reason. The person lives half way across the country or it'd be illegal or I'd get suspended or I'd be putting myself in a place I didn't belong. But I can't stand it.
I feel so protective of my friends. Like of Sarah. Especially of Sarah, for some reason. I got so mad when I heard about how her parents were treating her and more so how Rachel, who called herself her best friend, treated her while she was going through a rough time. You never, NEVER, abandon your friends. It makes me sick even thinking of it. Its so selfish to say that you can't be some one's friend because they're going down a dark path. Makes me sick. If any of my friends were going down, I'd follow them all the way to the bottom if that's what it took.
I kind of hate myself for abandoning Amanda, because she was on the way down... she hit rock bottom I think... and I just let her. I didn't try hard enough... I should have followed her to wherever she went and forcibly dragged her from the situations she was putting herself in... Fuck... I should call her or something... I know she's been trying to clean herself up lately and I haven't been much of a help at all... damnit.
I feel like I've become a little braver since my relationship with Jake. I feel like if someone tried to control, to manipulate me, that I could look them in the eye and say "Fuck off. If you touch me I'll mess you up so bad your mother won't be able to recognize you." I like to think that I could do that, but the theory has yet to be tested...
Anyway, I really feel like cracking some skulls open... because I really hate people sometimes... I hate how people treat each other, and I hate how people just stand there and watch and let it happen...
Sunday, November 20, 2005
BENBENBENBENBEEEEEEEN! When I went to the boxing seminar I got my own pair of gloves. So now I have two sets. My taekwondo sparring gear gloves and my boxing gloves. Do you know what that means?
We now have the proper equipment for a half-assed Fight Club.
Saturday, November 19, 2005
The Rant Post
Jake's pissed me off again. He's is still trying to get me pissed at him. Its pathetic. He's now talking shit about Brian, who he's never met, never spoken to, never even seen before. He actually admitted to being jealous. Why? He's got Rachel, I've got Brian, so what is there to be jealous about? Is he miffed that he's no longer the only person I went so far out of my way to be with? What, did he think that he'd always be the chewy center of my love life? Is it that he's pissed because he doesn't mean much of anything to me anymore?
My sources tell me that he's actually been plotting out ways to make me angry with him. What, if I no longer feel love for him he wants to go for something equally strong? Does he want me to hate him? Because that's not a high goal to set... It pretty damn easy for me to hate Jake. Reeeeeaaaally easy. Anyways so he scripted out little insults for his friends to say to me. I asked if he's such a man, why doesn't he just say this shit to my face? The response: "becuase he doesn't like to talk to you. Odds are he's afraid of you." So. Fucking. Pathetic. I've said this before but I've lost any and all respect for him. He's nothing but a coward, sending insults and trying to beat me down through messengers. I think of him now as I would think of a peice of gum stuck to the bottom of my shoe... annoying and disgusting.
I've also been told that he talks shit about me whenever the chance arises. That's really. REALLY. sad. I mean, come on. Its been, like, 2 years now and he's got a new girlfriend and everything but he's still fixated on me? Even if it's insulting me, does he think about me that often? Its sad. He needs to move on. I feel sorry for Rachel...
"He's a good guy, he's just violent and spiteful." That's not an excuse, actually, that's a contradiction. That's like saying "The light is green, except that it's red." I can be violent and spiteful too. Actually, I'd love more than anything to smash Jake's face into a brick wall everytime I see him. I'd love to just rip into him and verbally abuse him until he's just a pathetic puddle of nothing but there's this thing called self control that Jake's apparently never heard of. There's no excuse for his behavior and I think he deserves whatever frustration or pain he's feeling right now. That said: Now for the happy post ^^
The Happy Post
I was sooooo busy today. I woke up at, like 7:30 and went to a boxing seminar at 9. It was awesome. All the gear and stuff had been prepayed and there was an extra spot open so Mr. Aud was just giving it away and I was like 'Oh, let me come, pleeeaaase!!!' And it was so awesome O.O I think I've been scouted or something to that effect >.> So Mr. Ellis, the guy who was instructing the seminar started saying that I was pretty good and something about punches being in line or something and he kept asking questions like how old I am and how much I weigh. He said that if I start training in boxing and get into it and stuff that he could find me a sponser. I'm not sure what that means but it sounded pretty cool and I'm fairly excited.
There's a boxing club in Angleton and I'm going to go by and check it out but the problem is I don't have the money to pay for it. If I get a new job to raise money for it, I won't have time to go to the classes or to my TKD classes which is absolutely out of the question. I'd never drop my tae kwon do or my ninjutsu or my juijitsu. Never. So I'm in a bit of a pickle. I guess I won't get to do it... but that's really disappointing because I was really excited that I might actually be good at something and I guess its kind of depressingly ironic that I'm going to have to skip out on it. Though mom said to go ahead and go by the club and check it out and I guess she'll take to me about it or something *shrug* I don't think its going to happen... which really sucks...
Medicine balls are so. much. fun. O.O I want one of my own. We did all these medicine ball exercises and they were so awesome. I felt the burn! And now my arms and my abs are sore and I LIKE IT! AHAHAHA! It was cool. ^^ I also got, like, an hour worth of free private juijutsu lesson with Robert during one of the breaks. It was cool ^^
I miss Brian *whines*! I haven't seen him since Thursday night and we only had, like, 5 minutes to ourselves then. And it seems like its been forever because I haven't gotten to talk to him since then either. But tomorrow I'm working 12-5 and then hopefully we'll get to hang out ^^ And I will be a happy Jenny ^^
Well, I'm tired as hell. Talk you you kids later. Byes!
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Ziggy just told me a funny thing.
So I was sitting in the library and the AP Euro class came it and Ben was like "*assumes deep manly voice* Hello Jenny. This is Bri-Bri. I've come to see you. I had to fight my way through the APs but I had my sword in my back pack so..." and then he was like "Yeah, I can't that because I'm totally afraid of Brian." and I asked why and he told me that at the play Ben told Phillip he wanted to meet him so Phillip went over to Brian and said "Ben wants to meet you!' and Ben was like 'Doh! Not like that Phillip...'
For my creative writing thing I'm going to tell the story of how Ziggy got questioned by The Man when he went to sour cream the band's marching field. It's coming more naturally in first person present tense but I don't think I can be Ben very well >.> So I'll probably force myself to do it differently <.<;
Brian won't admit that he has ninja skillz. So I find it funny that everyone's like 'Omigod, ninja!' And Ben's afraid to hug me if Brian's there because he thinks he'll kick his ass *giggle*. Cracks me up, man. Things have been really good with Brian and me lately and its cool. Makes me happy. And that's a rare occurance. There's a lot of bad shit happening like work stuff and depression crap kicking in, but Brian makes me happy so its okay ^^ *ka-dork**geekity geek geek*
I've been getting better at the communication thing. And that speaking up for myself thing. Except that I still fear the Sonic people >.> But the other day I had a manager at Hastings telling me that, like, 5 people have quit that Sonic and started working there because the managers were so horrible so I don't feel so bad about it anymore. That and Mr. Covert at Martial arts has started enlisting me for babysitting so that's awesome and Gus was asking me about it too. I love both of their kids so I think that's awesome. ^^
Weeeell, I'm done. Laters.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Aww, I feel loved…
Who wrote I Jenny in the dirt and grime on top of my car? I want answers!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
I'm whining again. I swear I should just leave everyone, all my friends, alone because I'm just hinderance to them. None of them likes to deal with my shit and I know it annoys everyone when I go into one of these rants. Its just pathetic... I'm so selfish. And even though I know that, I still don't do anything about it because I just don't care enough. But I can't make myself care. If the feeling isn't there then you can't make yourself care. It'd just be pretending. And I've stopped lying to myself. If I lie to everyone else at least I won't lie to myself anymore. *shrug* Even that's pathetic...
I'm so much like this one character in a manga that it freaks me out. Katou. Here's a quote from him:
"I hurt before I could be hurt. I betrayed before I could be betrayed. That's how I lived. Because I'm so weak that it's sad... That's how I protected myself."
This is what one of his friends says to him: "If you really want to live, then fight. Even if it rips you apart, even if its shameful... If you're sick of rotting away then become a better piece of crap."
And another: "If you don't do it now, you'll regret it your whole life. If you don't fight while you're alive, your soul will rot."
I feel inspired for a moment there, but then its gone. What is there to be fighting? I look inside myself but there's nothing. Everything seems gray and static and I hate it but I can't seem to find a way to change it... I can run and jump and put a smile on my face and pretend like I've got some kind of purpose, but I know I'm just lying to myself... Another quote:
"Give me a reason worth fighting for. Anything to keep me breathing."
I don't have a reason for anything that I do. I don't know why. I ask myself why I did this or why I think that and I can't find a single thing inside myself for an answer. Just, nothing. So I shouldn't do anything if I don't have a reason for it, right? Well, if that were the case, I wouldn't even be breathing right now.
It's just... sad. I'm just wasting away... Rotting while I'm alive. And I think about it and I tell myself that I don't want to live like this. I don't want to go through life without any purpose or anything to care about, but then I try to find something important to me and there's nothing. Just... nothing.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
I'm Just A Teenage Dirt Bag, Baby!
I failed to push buttons. Or to hear the person on the other end of the drive-thru speaker. Whatever. Either way, I kept screwing up at work today and I even had Martin give me a talkin'-to. FAK. Apparently I'm not catching on fast enough >.> So he's going to consider letting me learn how to car-hop instead of operate the drive thru. Consider. So what happens if he doesn't choose that and I keep fucking up?... dot dot dot.
I need to work at a book store. Like, Walden books. And I totally would if only they didn't hire at 18 T.T Because the world hates me. So on my break I went straight to martial arts America because I was thinking I'm was going to kill everyone in the building if I didn't find myself something to soothe the soul. Watching the little kids play karate flags was nice. Troy, Brian's little brother, was in there and he saw me and was like "Hi Jenny!!!" And I was like "aww, well at least someone still likes me..." But as I was leaving I was really tempted to take one of Mr. Wadley's katana's with me... Maybe the naginata... yeah... I'd over run Sonic and claim it as my own! Then I could decide how the drive thru would be operated and by whom! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
*cough* And I got let off early. At, like, 8 o'clock. And I started crying in my car and I decided that I wouldn't be able to go home in the mood I was in because I might go a little psycho o.O So I went back to Martial arts because there was still a good 20 minutes left of the class I normally miss for work on Tuesday. It was cool. I stuck my head in the door all dressed in my Sonic suit still and I was like "MR. WADLEY! LEMME TRAIN! PLEEEEEAASEE I'LLBEYOURBESTFRIENDIFYOUDO!!!" And he was like "Yeah, hurry up! Do your form, wench!" Except without the wench part >.> And so I stayed for that class and got really freakin' hyper, mostly because I was in a pretty much hysterical state before class so I just switch to the other extreme >.> of hysterical <.< *shrug* And then the Masters & Sr. Masters Club class was next, the only class I'm not allowed to go to u.u And Bri Bri was there u.u and I decided I wouldn't be able to live if I didn't get to hug/talk to Brian for at least a little bit. Plus, I reeeeeally didn't want to be home all depressed and locked in my room. So I was like "MR. WADLEY!!! CAN I STAY 'CAUSE I DON'T WANNA GO HOME YET PLEEEEEASE!??!!?" and he was like "Yeah! It’s a party! Come hold the clap paddles so ninjas can run and jump and kick at you! Woo!" And it was so.
After that, Brian and I hung around in the parking lot for 45 minutes >.> And so did Ben... because Brian was his ride home <.< Lols. Twas grand. I was skipping all over the place and I had all this energy and even this morning as I'm finishing the post I started last night, I've got a ton of energy. Though I need more Bri Bri hugs >.> hmph... I'll just have to stalk him down and jump him then >.> mmmmmyesssshhh... *strokes imaginary cat* Muwhahahaha! And we quoted things. Such as the Nutri Grian commercial. Bri Bri quoted Homestar runner which was pretty fun. But I was like "This is Steve, he own the place, he’s got more money than GOD!" and "I'm rich, I have a great ass and I’m always tan but my marriage sucks so I hate my life!" and myesh.