Insomnia, Insomnia Ladeflippin'da! *song and dance*
O.O I should be sleeping... But I can't... I didn't take my medicine that's supposed to help with my sleeping tonight... I should take it... I'm too tired to make it down the stairs... Mmmm... Computer screen... shiny... graph paper... Canada... interpretive dance... O.O
I. Can't. Sleep. And I've become bored with E-space. Crazy, ain't it? I can't think of anything I want to do but I can't sleep right now. I'd just stare at the ceiling and wish it had tiles on it to count. O.O I think I'm going to count the tiles on my kitchen floor... since I don't have ceiling tiles in my house... Ceiling tiles really are lovely things... Mr. Rozelle's room has... I don't know... I wrote the number down in my creative writing journal... Blast. Curses. And other such phrases.
My shoulder hurts. Fix it. Someone. Do something... Pah, you're all useless. I smell like Annie. Probably because I'm wearing the shirt I just jacked from her house. I think I might try to live on tic tacs and Dr. Pepper again... that was fun. I get my paycheck on the 5th. This coming Saturday. The first thing I'm gonna do is... well, the first thing I'm gonna do is dance. The second thing is order a copy of Advent Children from ebay so I don't have to ninja Brian's away from him... Because I think his ninja skillz surpass mine... Damn that seniority concept... And I think the whole thing where I tried to sneak it into my purse clued him into my plans... Damn that not-oblivious concept.
I need a thesarus to carry around. And a spell check O.O. Or maybe I should just steal Phillip's vocabulary... yeah... that sounds good... as soon as I work on my ninja skillz... funny how my goals are all dependent on my ninja skillz o.O... That's all there is to life. Ceiling tiles and ninja skillz. With a z. Gotta have the z.
When I get a house of my own, it's gonna have ceiling tiles. Lots of 'em. So I can count them and count them and count them again. Because I have a freakish obsession with graph paper and ceiling tiles... I think I should move into Office Max o.O. They have snacks there now, have you seen? And by 'now' I mean 'at least 5 or 6 months ago'... Just thought I should clearify... I think I spelt that wrong. Damnit. Well just put me on an island and bomb me!
I'm going to go try to sleep. Wish me luck. And world domination... 'cause that'd just be cool... NightyNight kids!
Life without purpose is a waste of oxygen.
I got to spend 10 hours with Brian today. It was awesome O.O I went over to his house and met his mom and she was so much fun. She's so happy, its awesome! She gave me a hug ^^. And she makes these awesome cakes... So cool. I wish I had mad skillz like that O.O And I saw Brian's little brothers there, Ben and Troy. Ben didn't say much, but Troy was hilarious. He kept coming into Brian's room and talking to us and asking me questions and it was so cute. It reminded me of when I was little and my brother would have friends over. I'd go and bug them and ask them if I could play with them every five seconds. Anywho, I dug through all of Brian's stuff in his room and pointed out which CDs and movies I'd have to ninja away from him while he wasn't looking. We mostly just sat around and talked which was really cool. I love having conversation with him. I can't predict him as well as I can other people so I'm not bored with the conversation. Plus, I learned a lot about him which I think was the most fun.
I went with him and his family to their church in the evening (Church of Christ, in fact! *points to Lisa and Phillip* But the one in Clute) and on the way there we discused our views on religion. I told him about my... absense of faith. I think I might have freaked him out or something... Or depressed him... And then all through the church service I was like 'fakfakfakfakfakFAAAAAAKKK!!!! I'm such a friggin' jackass...' But he seemed okay afterwords... That doesn't mean it didn't bother him, though... Anywho, we went over to Annie's and played Champions with her, Matt, and Micheal. And then we all just hung out. It was awesome. Funny stuff. ^^
I kind of feel sick with myself right now but I think that's because I wrote a 1,296 word Word document worth of angst and self condemnation. Heh. I'm such an ass... I'm worried about a lot of things but nothing at all at the same time. I know I'm worried or depressed but every time I try to think of why it doesn't come to me... I hate this. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And apathy is such a horrible thing to feel at a time like this... Its nice when I need it, but god, I feel like there's a black hole inside me and my chest is caving in... It almost hurts. Yet nothing can make this feeling go away... And I hate it. I feel like crying just so I can have some emotion to fill in the space, but what would I be crying for? And it seems like I can't cry anymore... Not since last year. Through all that shit, the self destruction and all, I only cried once. The rest was apathy.
I'm going to go back and count how many times I said "I" in this post and then I'm going to slap myself and go to sleep. Night, kids.
I Count: 42.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
I finally got around to getting pictures from Oni-con scanned. Annie, I've got doubles printed for you. Or Matt. Whoever wants them more. Maybe I should have a fight to the death for them... Anywho, I scanned a few of them. Just a few. And here they are!
What does that link title have to do with this picture? Absolutely nothing! Anywho, these were a couple of people cosplaying as characters from Gravitation. Most importantly: K. My Most Soulmate-y of Soulmates! *wuff!*
Why Trigun Should Be A Religion
I love this guy. It took a lot of self-restraint not to jump on him and rape him. That is the awesomest Vash cosplay-i-ness I have ever seen. I don't know who the girl is, but she's cool too. Just for having that shirt.
I Wish I Was That Hot...
This is the big teddy guy from Full Metal Panic. I know his name. Its somewhere in my memory. But the knowledge escapes me at this moment... Anyway, this person rocks my socks off. I'm going to marry her/him one day.
Why Naruto Should Be A Religion
All the Naruto cosplayers decided to congrigate one day and this is them. We've got Naruto, Sakura, two Itachis, Zabuza, Haku, Kakashi, Kiba, Gai and even a Hayate and a Genma (I got really close to raping him... I swear, he walk, like, a foot or so in front of me as he passed and went and layed (that's not a word...) down on a bench and I was really close to just jumping on him...) The two in the front are Zabuza and Haku. Haku's the one being dipped. I flippin' love these people XD
A Random Jedi
As the caption says. A Random Jedi.
My Favorite Freaks
And here is lovely Annie on Zee Tele-phone and Matt-i-kins being... weird. But that's ok. We love him anyways. We were too poor to cosplay this year, so we just wore the weirdest things we had with us.
OMG, Who Is That Freakish Girl!? Kill her!
Yeah. There's me. Wearing Matt's hat. With my beloved Sephi action figure down the front of my shirt.... I didn't have pockets! There was nowhere else to put him!
You Best Respect, Biotch!
Sephi pimp slapping Matt's Vincent doll. Dude... If I were as awesome as Sephiroth I'd go around pimp slapping everyone that wasn't as cool as me too...
This Cannot Protect You...
Me hiding behind Sephi. God, I love that man... *dreamy eyes*
And They All Live Happily Ever After
Aww, look. They made up...
So that's that. That's all the picture that I scanned. I was to lazy to post the others... Plus a lot of them were just me wasting film so that I could get to the end of the roll and get the Oni-con picture. The End.
Picture That Are Of No Relevancey! (I love my spelling skillz... >.<)
I know what you're thinking: "Goddamnit, that hat is sexy! I wish Jenny was half as sexy as that hat!" Of course that's what you're thinking.
Because Eco Is That Boring
And here's Haley because she's awesome.
And here's Sarah because she's short and awesome.
Mk. Done now.
"I can only meditate clockwise..."
I have work today... Ugh... I'm starting to really not like my job. But I think that's the definition of a job, so its ok. At least I'm getting paid for it. And we all know how much of a money whore I am (lets see how many people take that literally...) so its ok. Apathy can be a blessing some times. Like when you're doing something annoying and tedious but your too apathetic to be really bothered by it. Its nice.
Maybe I've been getting more and more apathetic or maybe people are just starting to notice it more... meh. Lol, don't care enough ^^.
Time to go to work. Later, kids!
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Someone make Manuel get off my couch...
Yeah, I came home and there was a Manuel sleeping on my couch. I think he came to watch Naruto but fell asleep in the process. And now he's too sleepy to leave O.O And I want to sleep O.O Maybe I'll just sleep anyways... Martial arts was fun today. The kids were ok and there's this little girl that came over to sit next to me and her brother was like "I think she likes you!" And I was like 'omigod, yes, my first minion!' ... >.> *cough* myesh...
I learned the rest of my form. There's kicks in it... hard ones... and I suck at them... >.> and I was like "OMGWTFSTFUBBQ I HATE IT WHEN I SUCK AND I SUCK ALL THE FRIGGIN' TIME SO I ALWAYS HATE EVERYTHING AAAAGGGGHHH OMIGOD ANGST!" and Brian was like "whoa... calm down... " And yeah >.> We did some cool stuff in Jujutsu and I got to hear random strange stories from Scott and Brian while they were at TKD and during and after jujutsu... Omg... Brian has only flicked someone off ONCE in his life time... ONCE... I give the finger to various people and objects AT LEAST 5 times a week... 5 a day if I've been in a bad mood... I think its hilarious. He's so flippin' cute. I love 'im ^^
"Not in my backyard, utensils! GO BACK TO CHINA!!!" *cough* myesh... I was in a bad mood earilier but recently I've been in a never-ending bad mood... But I got to hang out with/ cling to Brian for a little while today and I feel better now. I feel tired...
Well kids, I'm off to dropkick Manuel out of my house. G'night!
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
I... hate my brain. Or my chemical imbalances at least... if they actually exist >.> Which has been bothering me a lot lately. If I actually have some sort of medical-mental health problem type chemical imbalance thing then can I really blame the random depression for no reason in particular on that? I don't think I can because this has always been around then, even if there weren't doctors to diagnose it, people have had chemical imbalances and clinical depression but only recently has there been medication for it. If people have been dealing with it thus far then what do I have to complain about? And even then, should I be on medicine? Aren't I using it as a crutch if people have managed without it? I hate to think that I'm dependent on this shit... I really really hate it. The kind of hate that makes you want to punch through a mirror and get little bits of glass all stuck in your knuckles.
And even more than that, I hate times like these. When I feel like shit but I have no. freaking. idea. why. It really really gets to me and then that just makes my mood worse. I can tell myself "Ok, so if you don't have a reason to be in a bad mood, then just don't be. Get over it. Get happy, woman!" But for some reason it doesn't work like that... Like today Ben stole my Sephy and left a ransom note by my purse and I was like 'Oh! It's funny! Fun!' and I was chasing him around the school and trying to get myself hyper and laughing but it just didn't work... I didn't have the energy or something. So I eventually just said 'screw it' and gave up. Sorry I was being an ass, Ben. The little heart on the white board and the arrow pointing to Sephy was really funny and it made me smile so I felt good there for a little bit so thanks. Sorry I was a bitch.
I hate it when I'm like this. And my head hurts again. Faaaaak. I'm going to start carrying Advil with me again... I didn't for a little while there but I really do need it...
I have absolutely no energy. Its all gone. Gone gone gone. I hope I can manage to move enough in taekwondo today so I won't get my ass kicked too badly... There's another thing that's been bothering me lately. I realized there really isn't anything in martial arts that I'm good at. I suck at sparring. I can't do my forms right. I'm not built enough to keep up with push ups and sit ups. I can NEVER break the boards. Ever. So why am I even in there? I've spent about a year and a half there and I haven't made anything of myself but for some reason I like it. I feel sorry for Mr. Wadley. I probably disappoint him so much yet I insist on going to class every chance I get... And I still don't improve. Maybe its my fault. Probably. You can teach a monkey how to move himself in a certain way so why can't I? It's got to be my fault.
Anyway, right now I'm not bothered too much by it. Apathy being my way of life and all... There's another thing. I've been completely taken over by apathy. It's nice in the sense that I don't care so much about stupid things that don't really matter, but then there are moments like now where nothing is interesting and there's nothing I care about and there's no point to even bothering to breathe. No point in bothering to do anything. Like staring into the future and thinking "Oh. That's nice. Can I take a nap now?" I'd like that actually... A nap sounds good... God, I love to sleep.
My therapist is afraid I might dip back into how I was last year. Wouldn't that be fun? Actually... it kinda was fun... There was a sort of freedom in throwing your life away... But the short lived kind in the sense that you know it'll end soon because that kind of freedom isn't allowed in the real world.
God I'm fucking angsty today. AngstAngstyAngst. Just draw a tear on my cheek and call me Emo Kid! Mk, well, I'm going. Later kiddies.
S. A. D.
Yesh yesh, S. A. D. Seasonal Affected Depression or something to that effect. I love the acronymn... and I love how I can't spell >.> Anywho, it's what I've had. We've known this for a while. It's been getting to me a little. I've been going a little crazy lately and having mood swings and today I hauled off and yelled at Ben and Jamie. And I almost started crying in creative writing today. *shrug* I told my therapist about it today when I went to go see her and she had me fill out a Mood Disorder paper-check-list thing... Turns out, I'm a crazeh person!!! Not really... She thinks I might have a mood disorder problem thing and she's going to talk to my psychiatrist about it.
I just explained my eternal apathy to Matt. I've got the urge to post it here... but I don't care enough too. Heh. Funny...
Merf. Going to Martial Arts now. Later, kiddies.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
I'm. Such. A. Fucking. Moron.
Insert angst here. God, I'm so retarded. I really really hate myself right now. Fuck. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. DAMNIT! ARGH!!! I need something to punch until my knuckles start bleeding... damnit... DAMNIT!!!!
I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself. I shouldn't be allowed to interact with other people. I'm serious. We really should drop me on a little island and then bomb it. Or at least leave me there on my own so I can't fuck things over any more. I'm really foul-mouthed today, aren't I? Well well. But that's me, now isn't it. Is anyone really that surprised? Whatever. I'm going to go spend the next 5 hours staring at my ceiling and wishing I was dead. Night.
My Crazy Acid-Trip Dream
So last night I had this crazy-ass dream. Me, Annie, Brian, Phillip and some random really big guys all joined the army and went into this horrific battle and ended up getting really hurt and then we woke up in this hospital all bruised and bloody but there were these crazy people there! They were trying to inject us with pregnancy! Like, with a syringe and they were trying to stab us in the arm with it! I remember Brian looking up at me (he was sitting in a chair) and saying "I don't wanna get pregnant...You do it." and I was like "No. I'm afraid of needles." So we kept trying to escape because they kept trying to impregnant us but Brian's leg was broken so I hauled him up on my back and started running with him. On my back. Because I was just that awesomely strong in my dream. And Annie had this huge gun and as we were running down the hospital halls she'd gun down the crazy pregnancy-injecting people and it was crazy. It was like guerilla warfare and crazy warlord Annie O.O It was awesome. The end.
Nighty night, kiddies!
Condensed Version of the 3 Pages of Angst I Wrote Last Night:
- I feel like shit.
- 'Tis the season of mood swings and self destructive tendencies
- I feel like a junkie
- The world is ugly. I hate myself.
- *dorky grin* I like Brian!
- I yelled at my cat. I'm a horrible person. But its okay because I apologized later.
- Been having some freakish mood swings and down spells. Last night was the worst. I ought to tell my doctor but I don't care enough to...
- Brian is so friggin' cute. More on that later...
- I don't deserve anything I have. I AM UNWORTHY! PLEASE RENDER JUDGEMENT!!! @_O CRAZAH EYE!
- I'm a jackass. I'm a failure. And I'm selfish too. We should put me on an island and then bomb it. O.O
Brian is So. Flippin'. Cute. And on a side not, why is he so much awesomer than me!? I think this is the first time since Jake (the crazy guy who jumped Owen, we all remember him, right?) that I can't beat my boyfriend into submission or at least pretend that I can! He can totally kick my ass! Crazy stuff. @_O Anywho, so Brian has this thing where he doesn't curse. At all. It's so funny. I love it! Yesterday I heard him say 'smart butt.' I think it's hilarious in the omigod-that-is-so-effin'-adorable way. I had the urge to tackle him and hug him 'til he started turning funny colors but we were in the middle of the martial arts place and would've gotten weird looks for it ;>.>... Annie says I should be like "Well gee-golly-gosh! I mean: Fuck." *giggle* *foams at the mouth* WHY IS HE SO MUCH AWESOMER THAN ME!? WHY?! POR QUE, KAKASHI?! POR QUE?!?!?!?!
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
I Hate Girls.
They're too overly-emotional. Too bipolar. They have too many mood swings. They care far too much about everything and they get pissed off way too fast. I hate them. Grr.
Top 10 Lessons for Surviving Zombie Attacks
1. Organize before they rise!
2. They feel no fear, why should you?
3. Use your head: cut off theirs'!
4. Blades don't need reloading.
5. Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
6. Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
7. Get out of the car, get onto a bike.
8. Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert.
9. No place is safe, only safer.
10. The zombie may be gone but the threat lives on.
Heh. Heheheh. *cackles*